[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
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me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Home #decor warning.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Alexa; make it look like an accident
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.