Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
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**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.