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ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Simple enough.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”