Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
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The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything