My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
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You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
is the plural of judas judasses or judi