you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
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Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Lmbo
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.