Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
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F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV