You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
You Might Also Like
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.