What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
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COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
BaD BoY!!
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.