Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
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I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
do u think theres a butter planet?
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
put ‘er there pardner!
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
😂💯
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks