“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
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Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I have a type: disappointing
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.