I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
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No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”