Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
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Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Feels
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.