Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
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To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her