Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
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I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!