Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
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Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.