If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
You Might Also Like
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
fr
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.