“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
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If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
this FaceApp is creepy af
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Unexpected Judgment
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot