One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
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Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Banana is the quietest snack
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.