When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
You Might Also Like
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Holy crap this is wonderful
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”