*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
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I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
My dog learned how to text
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!