[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
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Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Haha! 😂
Watermelon Boss!
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”