[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
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What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online