Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
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Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.