8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
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A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
I just tested negative for patience.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.