My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
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[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
i really liked this one
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE