I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
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the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless