It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
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her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those