M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
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There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
opening twitter today
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I just ran a .003048K
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.