The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
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“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
multitasking lunch
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
dictator is short for richard potato
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.