My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
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I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Something Saturday.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)