My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
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Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
When I can’t barge, I careen.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Meow?
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
The smoothest fall of all time
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show