Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
You Might Also Like
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Camping tip: No.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?