Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
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Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I had to Stop for this
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
SCARY COSTUME
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.