I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
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“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
The first matador
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.