Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
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Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Breaking news:
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
There is no “we” in pizza
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”