*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
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My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice