When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
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i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is