cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
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Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Wikigenius
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented