I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
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moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
a lot to unpack here
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.