*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
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Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.