Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
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Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
This took me a second..
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
classic mixup
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.