Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
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at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.