I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
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I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
courtroom exchange of the day
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos