[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
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Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂