*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
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No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
I’m confused about plants
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”