Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
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Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
welp
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.