i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
You Might Also Like
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.