*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
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My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.