LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
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Mornin
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁